Ugh, I've been avoiding this one because it involves background and a need to set the scene for my particular circumstances that have led me to be a bit of a loner these days.
I WAS a very social butterfly once, I loved parties, I created reasons to have them, I loved going out to dance the night away, I visited friends and hung with friends all the time. I was also depressed for a good part of my teens and severely so at times in my early to mid twenties. I don't know how hormonal, chemical imbalance like, learning to be an adult or possibly hereditary that was but by my mid twenties, I stopped going out altogether. I turned everyone down and every occasion rejected with an excuse, sometimes an honest one and sometimes a lie to those who wouldn't 'get it'.
I also began an almost 3 year battle of infertility that became an unhealthy obsession of temping, charting, saliva testing etc. In my early to mid twenties my closest friends moved away and some sort of moved on because I wasn't available anymore, the connections loosened and then we moved away, a 45 minute drive away from all the school mum friends I had made which had also gradually began to fade as the kids separated into different classes and we no longer waited together or hung around to make sure the littlies made it safely into class. I dragged myself out of bed to pick Adrian up at the very last minute, stood away from others as I didn't have anything to give and the thought of idle chit chat pained me so. But I also felt very frumpy after having just slipped on my tracksuit pants and trying to hide my obsessively pimple picked and prodded blotchy face.
So anyway, we moved. I walked Adrian to school, to the gate where no one 'hung out' and then walked dismally home again, I picked him up the same way in the afternoon. It was so close and safe neighbourhood like with many of the kids walking to and from that the next year, he walked himself. I tried the public transport (buses) a handful of times but they were a huge disappointment, once not even showing up. I was no longer on a train line either, I didn't drive at first and I wasn't working. I did attempt to voluntarily work down at a special needs school which was good for the few times I did assist and I even applied to be a teachers aide but I sense a combination of their disorganisation despite my repeated calls and possibly their lack of need for me at that time was why that never really worked out.
There is really more to this story- I mean why didn't I just get a job? That would get me out there meeting people right? My anxiety was a great ruler of my life at that time and a big reason why I didn't and being that depression and anxiety are hugely misunderstood, I don't want to delve into that right now. I did, however work for a quadraplegic for a little while but I was hardly going to gain any sort of real social life showering and dressing him in his home a few nights a week.
Then I fell pregnant after having learned finally to drive (the somewhat remote living gave me the kick up the butt that was needed), I had a baby who grew up to be very full on from about 10 months and found out I was pregnant again miraculously when he was 8 months old. We went to playgroup, we went to the library but Noah was VERY difficult and very full on. The other mothers from playgroup still remember how hard it was for me, we'd sometimes only last half an hour as I dragged him screaming and kicking home again. But I persisted. After a while, I HAD to give up the library visits and surprisingly I still feel that we can't go because this Noah really does have a mind of his own and although he is sooo much more settled, he will not be contained and EVERYONE (in all of the Macarthur area) will know about it if I even try to control him however gently. Flynn is like a breath of fresh air, a complete soft souled little angel. These boys are the true meaning of chalk and cheese.
Time has passed, the boys have grown, we have been consistent in our playgroup visits and we don't turn anything down. We are only going to the one playgroup so I want to throw another into the mix and possibly start going for library kiddy sessions again at the library that has a CLOSED room for said kiddy sessions. We tried music lessons but the out of control 2 year old accompanied by his bloodcurdling screams at our 2nd lesson has me curling up into a foetal position at the very thought of attending again anytime in the near future. It was horrid. Serious nightmare material.
On top of that, I make dates with the couple of friends I have made in this area to go to Chicks at the Flicks ( Event cinemas puts on a pretty good movie once a month just for the girls complete with a bag of all sorts of girly goodies) and I attend birthday parties or playgroup Mum nights just to get out and hopefully establish some new friends. I've been to cake making courses and photography courses (which I plan to continue on with next term). I'm hoping the gym might open up the doors to new friendships although I'm not sure exactly how they might come about. I'm open to try anything and everything at this point.
BUT with all this illness, it's been near impossible to do anything for a couple of months, I've had to cancel or reschedule everything just when I've been more ready than ever to really throw myself into making this social life thing happen. It's been frustrating and sometimes plain depressing. I'm bored out of my brain. I'm missing the connection that comes with GOOD and established friendships. I'm missing connection full stop.
I look forward to work in the future and the camaraderie and creation of new friendships that comes with being a Kindergarten mum again. For now though, I'll just have to work harder at this adult friend making thing. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how I go. I just need to be well again..and my children at the same time!
